Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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