I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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