I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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