I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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