I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
