If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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