I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My brain says no but my pants say off.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dear god my vagina.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
