Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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