Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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