we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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