Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
