I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
