I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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