No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
me + whiskey = a bad person
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
