What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
