Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
