Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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