cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
