Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
