worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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