At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
