if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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