Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
