You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
