Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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