i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
