I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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