Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
