Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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