On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
