she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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