Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
