She said her name was "party"
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
