I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
