he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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