If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
