I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
