I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
