ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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