Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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