then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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