If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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