Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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