How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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