i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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