awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
