So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
