She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
