I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
