When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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